Letter never sent

Dad, I'm a world away. 
My eyes are open wide and my chin is stuck in a downward position. My neck hurts from double takes and my mind is racing struggling to keep up, categorize, understand, and file each moment away in the cabinets of my mind. Overloaded is an understatement. But each night I find my way back to you. I wonder what you're doing and I think about the steps that lead you to me and the steps that now take you away. You are as you always have been my home. My first love and my first joy. The anchor that holds me here and half of the pain I carry around like a well loved suitcase. I think of you, dad. I think of you and I cry. My heart breaks. I think of you and I think of regret, of pain, of hope and the uncertainty of life. I think of your hands and your bones. And how they broke to put toys in my stocking and bread on my plate. I think of you and I think of an empty chair at the table one meant for a green eyed little girl with blonde hair like her mother. I think of you and I see you lying back and letting life wash over you. Like one day you threw your hands above your head and gave up or gave in. You look at me dad and I know you see your own mistakes. you look at me and see a reflection of yourself. You look at me and see my pain that you helped pack. I want you to know its okay. Because in my suitcase I've got understanding. I understand the reality of the word alone. I understand what it means to put it all down and to let it all go. Daddy, I understand. It was never your fault, what happened. I know why you hid away. I know why you couldn't talk to me and I'm sorry you can't look at your son without seeing two little girls wronged. I understand why you closed your eyes and turned your cheek. I understand.
And I forgive you. Daddy, I took that understanding and I packed my suitcase full of flowers and before I took that three thousand mile leap you looked at me like you saw me for the first time. You looked at me like you've never been prouder. So, dad, pack your suitcase say your goodbyes and spread seeds of understanding along the way. I'll be here looking at you and I have never been prouder.